GE2019: Ladies and Gentleman of the class of 2019

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of 2019:

Vote Conservative. If I could offer you only one crazy tip for the future, Vote Conservative would be it. The long term benefits of Conservatism have been proved by sociopaths, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now

Enjoy the narcissistic power of youthful beauty. You’ll never know the power and beauty of your jubilant youth until old father time allows it to fade. But trust me, by voting Conservative you’ll be able to turn back time and never look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. Look at Boris Johnson, young ladies 20 plus years his junior fall at his crowed feet.

Don’t worry about the future, the PM doesn’t, he’s not trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing Bubblegum. For a start algebra to the PM is an undergarment, one for the ladies to configure prior to going out. The real troubles in your life are things that never crossed your worried mind; such as the Withdrawal Agreement Bill (2019) Legal Text that’ll never be published.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Say you’re a Tory.

Try not to see the contorted expression on people’s faces, learn to accept their angst and ask yourself why are they scared of me?

Hate the homeless.

Don’t waste your time with those not able to vote, they’re just jealous you’ve got a home and smell nice. Life is short, the end is always near.

Remember the compliments such as now you’re a Conservative there’s many tax havens available to you; forget the abuse by those Lefties reminding you daily how dehumanized you are. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how

Keep your old love letters your forgot to send to Nigel Farage. And throw away any correspondences from Theresa May,

Practice smirking

Don’t feel guilty if Andrew Marr notices you enjoying life too much, he just wants to know your secret of how to look through the shit storm. Naturally it is a gift and many are curious to know what narcotics you’re consuming, the Gove’s of this world just can’t help but advertise a particular brand of coke, for he has numerously done the Pepsi challenge in all orifices.

Get plenty of trolls (you know you’ve made it when you get plenty of trolls)

Be kind to hedge fund managers, you’ll miss them when they’re in the Cayman Islands.

Maybe you’ll meet Carrie, maybe you won’t
Maybe you’ll be a prat on a zip wire, maybe you won’t
Maybe you’ll have children, an undisclosed number
Maybe you’ll dance at a Conservative Conference to ‘Dancin Queen’ believing you’re seventeen, while beating a tambourine, oh yeah
Whatever you do, don’t black-up, or spurt out a Prince Phillip gaff about the Chinese. Everything is half chances, but so are everybody else’s

Enjoy the abuse, use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of you. It’s the greatest compliment you’ll ever own

Throw the Irish under several buses even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own craft room, this’ll make you happy.

Read governmental documentation (s) all great and small, even if you’re clueless what it means… nobody else knows either, or probably have read anything about UK’s uncodified constitution. Doubt they can spell it.

Do not read Das Kapital; it’ll only make you feel angry.

Run through a field of wheat a handful of times – it’ll be a rebellious story to tell if you’re the next Maggie Thatcher in drag.

 
Think up odious lies about the Opposition in the bath the more toxic the better the more ridiculous the better. The party faithful will agree and echo your words to a tee. Learn to walk away, unperturbed at the cluster-fuck you’ve created.

Trolls will come and go, but the precious few will hold on slightly longer than necessary – so make their day and share their tweets to your followers to encourage yet more trolling maniacs. Remember to include two lines of random emoticons, and a Latin phrase, otherwise you’re a Nobody.


Work hard to fudge logic; a sovereign parliament was invented by that Gina Miller Remain fanatic. EU nationals are second class citizens, the Windrush Generation are third class citizens and everyone else who’s not Tory are losers in life and despicable for just breathing. Furthermore, 16 – 17 year olds are too Left-wing to vote. And to cap it all weren’t all red-blooded males into their Arcuri – frenetically jerking on joysticks.

Live in the suburb of Carrie Symonds once, but leave before it makes you hard

Live in the American State of Jennifer Arcuri once, but leave before it makes you soft

Lie (the bigger the better)

Especially on important dates whereby it screws UK business, make it convincing by wasting £100 million on obsolete advertising which was paid for by slashing public services, underpaying nurses and causing a living standard crisis depicted by an UN extreme poverty inspector. Something the Conservatives use to fantasize about, but it’s now a Conservative record to be proud of.

Systematically break promises.

Maybe the UK will explode at Halloween as Mark Francois says, maybe local governance will be doing ditch clearances just in case of any man size blockages; but the chances are it’ll be a normal night - apart from a scary Tory doorknocker.

Now, they said Brexit means Brexit, which in truth now means putting a border in the Irish Sea. This prospect excites the Conservative faithful as 74% prefer a ‘Little Britain.’ This is what happens when you take recreational drugs at Eton, it makes your hair squiffy

Be careful whose advice you buy, be tolerant with those who supply it -
Advice is a process of marrying observation up with experience. Hardly a happy marriage, because the EU Referendum was advisory – albeit, an arranged marriage to Peter Stringfellow. Beggars can’t be choosers. Although, I’m sure there’s some redeeming features next to the leopard skin thongs. Just keep looking…

But trust me on voting Conservative – not.