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| Brenda from Bristol |
Dear Mrs May,
It’s Brenda from
Bristol, I’m the senior citizen who famously said: ‘You’re joking. Not another one, oh for God’s sake!…’
I was most
heartened that you wrote me a letter informing me of your dutiful career; oh,
before I forget, I hope your visit to the lovely City of Brussels was fruitful,
you mentioned something about signing a meaningless
vote, or perhaps I’m getting it all muddled. Yes, remarkable that you
managed to meet up with all twenty seven of your ewes in the same place and
time; it must’ve been very memorable for you all. I don’t get out these days;
it’s unsafe what with drilling music screwing with our youngsters’ heads. I
blame DIY TV Shows.
One of my favourite
authors, Christopher Hitchens did cause a worrisome moment when I read: odds
are in favour of stupidity or superstition or unchecked authority is devised to
intimidate. Quite an imaginative fellow for he exclaims with some vigour vast
stretches of human time have seemingly elapsed with no successful challenges –
this causes tyrannical conditions apparently. But how can one be of suchlike
who writes to me personally? Rainer Rilke loved his letter writing to those
innocent lambs as do you Mrs May… although, it sounds to be you’re not in
solitude, as was Rilke; albeit probably wished it to be so – am I correct? My
dear, you mentioned a clear mission before you and a duty to fulfil on my
behalf… apologies, I don’t recall handing out missions, but you’re rather keen
that I should know about it nevertheless Mrs May. However, I am delighted that
your negotiated a good Breakfast, was it continental, I prefer scrambled eggs
personally hence, you speak of a deal with a ewe, how interesting, it sounds
quite a breakfast and a trip…
You explained that
you haven’t lost sight of that duty, that’s very reassuring, because the voice
of reason is small alas, insistent, many great minds have defined this in
differing ways: duty as in a service for example: an emperor or a moral or
legal obligation. Hard to fathom what sort of dutiful calling you had Mrs May,
I believe it was Adam Smith who announced that we carry about an unseen witness
to our thoughts and doings and seek to make a good impression on this worthy
bystander. I cannot say whether the duty is valid by your thoughtful monologue
alone, why I reply to you in wonderment. Sometimes the best means to judge is to
observe qualification – notably, I didn’t know you needed 1 ½ years of educative certification to grab a
Breakfast deal in Brussels, you can get a deal in Surbiton to save on transit
fees, something to consider next time my dear.
Reading between the
lines, and the numerous times you mentioned Breakfast I gather this particular
one was important, especially as you’ve been grafting for years to try this
breakfast; not sure how this is a duty, then again, I cannot judge nor dare to.
Having a breakfast with all your comrades must’ve been most enjoyable; strange
that you wrote to me before having the breakfast – supposedly was one of those
voucher/coupon things you fill in prior to the event. Over the years I’ve
always thought it was a con; too much huff and puff for one meal, do you get my
drift? Afraid to fill in all the forms send it off, await for the response,
keep waiting, waiting for some more, get frustrated etc…. kudos to you though Mrs May, getting the go
ahead with twenty seven reservations, no wonder it took one and ½ years. Your
audacious comment thereafter, stating the breakfast deal is in the nation’s
interest implied you’ve changed how we in the UK see breakfast. My
dispositional constitution is to ‘leave’ breakfast, or if it’s cooked for me
it’ll remain untouched until a more sociable hour; it takes a while for my
gastric fluids to wake up y’see, why I can’t be arsed to have breakfast in
Brussels.
Difficult to
discuss matters with over twenty ewes, I’d have issues with one to be honest,
then again I never believed in asking a black sheep / ewes whether they’ve any wool,
three bags full. Too medieval for even me, I find it peculiar you would ask so
many ewes to partake in a Breakfast Club committee, anything to benefit from a
so-called Groupon deal I guess. You didn’t say whether wool was exchanged,
which implies you were screwed Mrs May - Henceforth, consider the old custom of
wool tax stemming back from the thirteenth century. Meaning you wouldn’t just
get breakfast but you’ll be warmer throughout the cold winter my dear. Also, black wool doesn’t require expensive
dying if you’re thinking about making a profit from it. Black wool, take it or
leave it, no woolly messages of varying hues from ewes.
Wasn’t it nutritionist,
Adelle Davis who exclaimed in the 1960’s ‘breakfast is the most important deal
of the day’? Obviously ewes think so too, otherwise it’ll be a wasted journey
and no-one likes wasted journeys albeit, I can’t understand why you’ve notified
me about it, you’re no Martin Lewis that lovely man from the telly who gets
excited about informing his audience about money saving deals. Oh no, Mrs May
it’s all about your breakfast deal, never about any other offers; at least
Martin Lewis cares about offering more than one deal – meh, rather selfish in my view. What irked me was
your assumptive tone here: after
breakfast we could focus our energies on other important issues… hold on a
second, you mentioned ‘we,’ what happened to the ewes?
Getting on with
breakfast, you and your stomach Mrs May… If I may offer you some advice before I pop to
Bingo. Probably best to sort out the draught first, what with winter clawing at
the doors. I believe Wickes do decent draught excluders if you like a good Deal
which you do going by your letter. Draughts are a bane for a senior citizen; I’ve
no interest in withdrawal technicalities either, not at my age – although, for
younger folk, I can see why it can distract you from draughts for a minute or
two. When it comes to withdrawal agreements, well I never even thought about it
in the sixties, it was live or let live. You should think about opening up a
B&B at some point, with all this breakfast malarkey and serving it for a
nation discourse. Indeed, this reminds
me I can recommend a sheep breeder who specialises in the Merino, if this helps
– sounds like you need it in the House of Commons, on the wireless they
constantly sound as if they’re tucking into breakfast, heck, it’s quite a
racket - Very rowdy.
Bye for now,
Brenda from Bristol
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