Short Circuit

Quite recently, I saw the approval rating of the Maybot at minus 37 points and immediately wondered whether it was time for a battery recharge, and next I witnessed was a long table of Cabinet ministers in Gateshead as if on an end of term school trip.

See, they’re getting back to basics, presumably taking a leaf out of John Major’s file, because that was so successful --- Spitting Image made Major look rather rubbery, but less robotic. Difficult scenario for Maybot however, because she is a robot. At least the Tory long table in Gateshead implied a sense of unity even though visuals didn’t catch any facial specifics. What was apparent however was the PM was on the charm offensive to sell Brexit.

I hate to say this but it appears the Brexit Summer Tour is really happening; it reminds me of a commercial enterprise going out on the road to do gigs and greet fans, sign photographs, or back of buses. Usually, the band / commercial enterprise has something to sell but in this case no-one can buy Brexit in shops, order a Brexit, and even try out a Brexit weekend break, whereby you live off canned prunes and ‘Idris Ginger Beer.’ The Maybot is unable to gift the public not even a sample of Brexit; such as a travel friendly can of deodorant called Brexit --just to get an idea what it’ll be like. Although, many on the London Underground probably would’ve smelt Brexit up close and personal this summer – corn beef sandwiches lodged behind a radiator for five months of putrid conditioning.

When the Maybot was asked about pastimes; the machine jumped into survival mode and expressed a love of…  moving and fortunately recalled the Homo Sapien is keen on eating, also - therefore could relate to having one hundred and fifty culinary books stashed away in the library, next to ‘Artificial Intelligence’ manuals about calling General Elections. The main telling sign that gave a curious mind some real cerebral fodder was the Maybot’s interest in watching the TV Series ‘NCIS’ a show that revolves around a fictitious team trying to solve problems; and attempts to understand the motives of criminals. Notably, robots cannot really resolve humanities issues and why Brexit remains an unresolved crime… with enforcers keen to get to speak to Brexiters about alleged malpractices. When the Maybot automatically ‘Googled’ pastimes while on a Brexit Tour, you can see why ‘Google’ came up with the answer: ‘NCIS.’  Y’see, two infamous episodes of this series were called: ‘Ice Queen’ and ‘Meltdown’ – perfect descriptions for the Maybot’s style and tenure.

For those who’re bordering on being of senior status, Cliff Richard frequently went on his summer holidays by bus around Britain and sang about sojourns being a week or two --- so, you can see why the Maybot has copied Cliff because it’s sunny and cliff idioms are a fair assessment of affairs at present. Naturally, cack-handed bus slogans have lodged in the Maybot’s circuit boards too, in discourse concerning NHS woes – albeit, confusing EU Membership dividends with perceived funding; enough to get Robert Chute to invent a square-wheel and say it’s useless… meanwhile the Brexit Tours continues… At least Cliff Richards seemed to have a summer holiday without worrisome cliffs on the horizon.

At times I opted to view political campaigns from the Pathé archive so observe what was deemed British only to find a staged event whereby a politician played with a dog or spoke to children, or went hell for leather and visited an ice cream van; actually the Brexit Tours is no different. The staged audiences are really cardboard cut-outs apart from a Tory activist nodding in agreement that eating food is indeed an enjoyable result of cooking… a smidgen like the nebulous self-made idiom, ‘Brexit means Brexit’  - albeit, the proof is in the pudding and who doesn’t like a sticky-toffee pudding whereby the toffee is really Bar-BQ sauce and the stick part is when it sticks in the throat and takes to digest and by Monday you start to regret it and by Tuesday you find yourself hating the whole menu. And by Wednesday you find out it wasn’t even what you ordered back in June 2016; on the Brexit Tours this is a formality.

Tough to sell a bifocal black and white television these days, not like in the swinging sixties when Cliff and his quiff got us all crowding around the grainy box informing us that the sun shines brightly just like in the movies, let’s see if it’s true.  We believed Cliff; we didn’t even question his mode of transit being a double decker. Not so easy these days on the Brexit Tours for the Maybot has the charm of a thirty year old boiler, shuddering along, making metallic disgruntled noises in keeping a house warm. That pained expression while meeting and greeting transmits back to the voyeur, why fucking bother? You’re not Cliff and nobody cares about the Brexit Tours of the premise it is by definition… unintelligible. We’ve now the senior Brexit economist Ruth Lea squawking like an electrocuted chicken, all startled and pique, broadcasted on the BBC, it’s a real shame observing a seventy plus year old aberrant gallus – and its holiday season, surely a butcher will put her out of her Brexit misery and pluck her for the American market; chlorinated of course.      

I take homage in claiming that codecs can always be re-programmed and this could occur with the Maybot because this device did support ‘Remain,’ before fighting for the very thing the device opposed. No-wonder the White paper resembles something close to a box set of ‘NCIS,’ whereby it’s based on fiction, will remain totally unresolved, a crime against the people and rewrites the EU’s fiscal rules and regulations for a non-EU member.  As the summer rolls on and the heat intensifies, so does the chance of an electrical storm to knockout the power at Number Ten Downing Street. Our nation will be alerted to a bullet-in that there’s been no movement, no cooking, and zero sign of activity from Maybot.  Weeks will pass, until a children’s cartoon character called Michael Gove announces to the BBC: ‘it seems as if the staff at Number Ten after the electric storm forgot to series link the program ‘NCIS’ and subsequently recharge the Maybot…   it’s at 3% at present, but in the meantime we’re all on a Brexit Tour this time with Cliff Richard, to cheer him up somewhat, it’s 1963 all over again.’