'Killing Vegans'

William Sitwell was fired from his Editor role that Waitrose commissions  for making a crass joke about ‘killing vegans’ – the comment was in a private email and the receiver was steadfast in not seeing light of the murders. It didn’t sit well with Waitrose.

We’ve entered a concerning epoch whereby we’re judged by our satire in private which then goes out of the realm of a private digital conversation into the realm of global condemnation; notably the angered vegans who should shower Sitwell with friendly comments like: ‘I’m a vegan, I’ve met other vegans, they’re perfectly reasonable vegans and you can be assured you’ll won’t be harmed if you join our vegan society. You’re very welcome to sample vegan food and cabbage water.’

Sitwell I suspect being a food advocate and keen sampler may comment back politely and relay he has a busy schedule until 2020 for he has been enrolled in a politically correct course to iron out any ironies he may have due to excessively writing about food. And on Saturdays he now is enforced to tune in to a web-course from Washington that’ll lecture him on ‘how not to offend.’ You can see the double-edge sword glinting in the cold light of day, you’re damned if you speak and you’re damned if you do nothing. I say this, of the comprehension, visual imagery also offends; because if I had put Kevin Carrot beside a grater and snapped a picture of him with a slogan saying: ‘save Kevin or have some lovely carrot and coriander soup, you decide.’ Complaints will mount up like a heap of carrot shavings.

Words can be offensive, alas acts are on a different stratosphere of offence; especially as it makes you less wealthy and sometimes you need satire to sweeten the bitter pill of societal dysfunctions. One thing I believe Sitwell thought about when he sent the ‘obscene email’… it was in hope that the receiver would have enough life experience to denote the difference between silliness and seriousness.  Now I don’t know if Sitwell is a psychopath I don’t have his mental well-being notes before me nor can I preempt what he intends to do with the entire vegan population; however, logic prevails and though he is paid to draw judgment on all food types including stuff like meat, (murdered animals); I doubt very much he’d write about the tenderness of human vegan meat. Ye-s, you could kick up a storm if Sitwell developed a taste for cannibalism and poured out disdain in regards to meat tasting of cabbage water, and ‘how is that possible.’

I knew the vegan tide was upon us when baking guru, Paul Hollywood announced ‘vegan week’ – the bakers responded with utter revulsion, faces etched out bewilderment, totally baffled with the whole concept of making veganism a mainstay of baking – furthermore, wasting a week on this odious dietary concept. Yes vegans like cake and they’ll have their cake and eat it. This is where I compute fully with Sitwell: by removing key ingredients in baking practically anything possibly would terminate baking entirely of the understanding it’s not baking at all but just experimenting with dire consequences. Why waste your time? The grimaces of bakers were all there to be seen; surely this was also offensive to all vegans who like cake? Not a word. I can merely conclude they’ve a sense of humour or suffice to say, were ‘Bake Off’ voyeurs with schadenfreude tendencies -- ‘Let Hollywood suffer the imbalances of vegan baking.’

What if we all embrace the idea of killing vegans?  Malfeasance slaughter could be the norm and William Sitwell’s covert email wouldn’t even get a second glance. But what intrinsically annoys me to my blood-curdling core is the notification of the offence whereby the offence is paraded about in media circles resembling a 1975 dolly bird gingerly holding up round numbers in a boxing ring, trying not to slip up on bloody spittle.  Bio-directional media has this need to share grotesque content, especially material about ‘killing vegans’ – engineered so you can inform others who subscribe to your irrationalities how offensive this is to a particular demographic; intermittently leading to upsetting everyone in the social circle. They share again and before you know it the offence becomes grossly offensive and by which point not even the most rational can ignore the fact William Sitwell wants to kill vegans and to cap it all, they’re deemed a protected species – just ask the Vulcans.

Here’s where I believe Sitwell went wrong, he should’ve written about murdering vegans in the Spectator publication. A home where authorship carries a creative license granted by the free thinker publicist Fraser Nelson.  Anything goes… including being at the mercy of fungi activists over a weekend that caused immense discomfort namely a gastrointestinal bug for a well-known social commentator, and author.  Indeed, I observed unethical vegetarianism in full refreshing flow, all devised for a meat eater. Undoubtedly, there’s nothing like giving a rotten old carnivore a bad case of the trots, give him your worse, a dodgy mushroom, he’s not really a fun guy. I marveled at this diet ridiculing stance; smiling haplessly that political correctness was on a sojourn and the mice were playing as it should be. No, I spared no time in thinking about the poor cows, pigs and pigeons being prepped for consumption.  I know Orwell’s ‘Animal Farm’ is fictional. Napoleon left because he had bigger fish to fry in cheap brandy.

Vegans and vegetarians also dote on the holier-than-thou philosophy, that they know best for the mind, body and soul.  Underlining their delusional progressive analogies that there’s something out there making them to be this way; they may shrug their shoulders when quizzed on dietary habits when courageously asked;  the answer is devoid of responsibility, for they pay due to the divine pig flying around the celestial cheese.  Leaving the rest of us scratching our temples – just enough to make perfectly good dinner party memorable for the wrong reasons.

Majority of them are uptight Christians in need of a decent meal inside them, hence why they’re neurotic and would seize on some random comment referring to slaying one of their kind. If truth were known I believe Sitwell should take heed of a dodgy fungus as it chooses its next victim. For example; jumping onto Sitwell’s 'MasterChef' plate as he waits patiently for what fusions the professionals has cooked up for his palate to decipher. On the menu is a ‘Mushroom Bomb’ as a dessert… it’s worryingly intriguing – slightly more menacing than the conventional ‘Death by Chocolate.’ As Sitwell picks up his spoon the 'MasterChef' production crew cower in anticipation.